How to survive a remodel on one bottle of wine or less (per day..and you don’t have to share)

So this morning, like a million mornings before, I get up to do a 5:30AM boot camp. Despite all the standard time nonsense, it’s still dark and I stumble into the bathroom and get dressed and put my contacts in the wrong eyes. While this is bad (I can see if I do Clint Eastwood), it’s not as bad as showing up with your clothes inside out, which happens with alarming frequency. And these people are driving. Be careful out there, friends.

But now I need my water bottle, except my house looks like this…IMG_9985



…so where the hell is the water bottle? After a minute of panic, I give up, instead hoping to find the cat food. The cat is sad. Very very sad. She’s experienced a severe downgrade in accommodations and after 19 years considers telling me to go fuck myself. But remembering I’m the one with the treats (when I can find them) she settles for refusing to look at me or pose for a picture. This is all I’ve got of the cat.

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My ride comes to ferry me off to boot camp. I grab a water bottle from the trunk of my car. It’s from a soccer game. Probably one in August and I think I see algae growing in the bottom but it’s dark so I can’t be sure. We go to boot camp. Is the modern human meant to do 4000 squats while holding weights up in the air? Really? And the thing with the squat jumping jacks?  Our leader smirks in the corner. We exist for his amusement. Plus my head hurts because I’m not sure how one survives a remodel without drinking too much. And last night I drank too much.

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I go home. It’s still dark. The house is still a wreck. Only fourteen (estimated HAHAHA) weeks to go.  This is what our living space looks like.

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I have lived in smaller spaces. Of course, those small spaces had floors and, you know, running water and shit. But still, I can tolerate a lot. I trekked to Mt. Everest and went 21 days without a shower and no oxygen. Besides I’m armed with the essentials. The espresso machine. Don’t even kid around here, honestly.


The electric skillet. There are kids involved after all and eventually they will weary of cold cereal served at every meal.

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The grill and specifically, the burner…that I didn’t know I had until…well, yesterday? I should’ve cleaned it. I didn’t clean it.

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Surrounded by such bounty (I’m reading Little House on the Prairie with my daughter so really what the hell do I have to whine about? I don’t have to send Pa 800 miles to get me a sack of cornmeal) I was feeling cocky last night and made pork chops with apples and onions. It was going great until the sun went away at, like, 2:15 and my grill light failed and finding a flashlight?? Oh, how you make me laugh! So maybe the pork chops were overdone because I couldn’t actually see them in the dark. But the kids liked the mac and cheese because it came from a box so I had that going for me…which was nice.

Tomorrow night’s menu: fried rice with bits of overdone pork chop and probably some pine needles from the tree behind the grill…